PADDemonium
by Mia Cooper
Summary: JP, CT, Kf. Paris and Janeway prove that people just can't hold their liquor in the 24th century.


PADDemonium By Mia Cooper cyanideblue@juicylime.net  
  
Summary Paris and Janeway prove that people just can't hold their liquor in the 24th century.  
  
Pairings J/P, C/T, K/f  
  
Disclaimer 'Tis of Paramount importance that my reader understand That I've borrowed temporarily these folks from TV land I promise I will put them back when they have had their fun And I'm making nothing out of this, so don't sue - no harm done!  
  
Rated [PG-13]. Please fasten your seatbelt and keep your tongue firmly in your cheek. ____________________________________________________________  
  
  
  
Part 1  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 07:32  
  
SUBJECT: Improper conduct  
  
Tom,  
  
Much as we all appreciate your high spirits and attempts to boost crew morale, I think even you will agree that your behaviour at last night's Christmas party in the mess hall was inappropriate. Spiking the cranberry sauce with replicated jalapeno chillies is not only a waste of energy resources but also led to a spate of minor medical emergencies. The Doctor has already reported to me at length on this issue.  
  
The illustrated lecture on Bolian lavatorial functions was also neither necessary nor in good taste.  
  
Your replicator and holodeck privileges are hereby confiscated for a period of one week. You will report to the mess hall at 0900 hours today to help Neelix with Operation Clean-up and then take your regular Sickbay shift beginning at 1300 hours. Any future transgressions will earn you double shifts in Sickbay and remove you from helm duty for one month. Consider yourself warned.  
  
K Janeway, unamused  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 07:44  
  
SUBJECT: FW: Improper conduct ATTACHED: reprimand.txt  
  
Harry . what the hell happened last night?  
  
Yours in suffering, Tom  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 07:46  
  
SUBJECT: You've really done it this time  
  
Tom, will you ever learn? Last Christmas you pulled Tuvok's ears, did a bump-and-grind striptease with Jenny Delaney and passed out at the Captain's feet. I told you not to drink the egg-nog, but do you ever listen to me?  
  
I guess Neelix must have hidden your 'Nude Starship Captain' cheesecake sculpture before she saw it or you'd be in the brig right now.  
  
I don't know you.  
  
Harry, who may never be promoted, but would prefer to keep his commission  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon CC: group:engineering SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 08:01  
  
SUBJECT: Grounded?  
  
Paris,  
  
On behalf of the entire staff of Engineering I would like to present you with this First Annual USS Voyager Award for Inappropriate But Highly Amusing Behaviour, or the 'Dummy' as Nicoletti insists on calling it. She said you'd get the 20th century reference. You can collect your commemorative Dummy statuette from Engineering at your convenience.  
  
Thanks Tom, you sure know how to make the rest of us feel better about our behaviour :)  
  
B'Elanna  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 08:09  
  
SUBJECT: You have to help me!  
  
Harry, I'm going mad. Everyone's laughing at me and I can't remember a thing. Please come by my quarters and tell me what happened so at least I know what to expect!  
  
Tom  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 08:16  
  
SUBJECT: Christmas (High) Tidings  
  
Chakotay, where did you disappear to last night? You missed all the fun. Do you know how hard it was to keep a straight face when Tom pulled that stunt with the sausage, the balloon, and Tuvok's ceremonial robe? I had to pretend I'd been called to the bridge so I could leave the room.  
  
Can't wait for Neelix's New Year bash. Be my date for the evening?  
  
K.  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 08:22  
  
SUBJECT: A very merry Christmas indeed  
  
Kathryn,  
  
Sorry for skipping out, I had a stack of reports to finish. Glad to hear you had a good time.  
  
Re: NYE - I'd love to. :)  
  
C.  
  
PS. I didn't realise Tom had such artistic talent. That cheesecake sculpture was the hit of the evening.  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 08:24  
  
SUBJECT: Artistry  
  
Cheesecake sculpture?  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 09:10  
  
SUBJECT: Dummy Award  
  
B'Elanna,  
  
I've just spent the last hour assuring Tom that everyone's laughing with him, not at him, that Captain Janeway will eventually forgive him, and that this'll all be forgotten before the next spatial anomaly anyway. Your 'award' didn't help. For my sake, could you please refrain from rubbing his nose in it further?  
  
Harry  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 09:17  
  
SUBJECT: Where's your sense of humour, Harry?  
  
Paris deserves everything he gets. And I'm going to see that he gets it. :)  
  
B  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Tuvok, kappa-3-5-lambda-8 DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 CC: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 09:22  
  
SUBJECT: Security Report ATTACHED: report.rpt  
  
Captain, Commander,  
  
Please find attached my weekly security report.  
  
No doubt you will find that the number of missing or damaged items and systems has almost trebled since last week's report. I believe I can assure you that this was due almost entirely to Mr Neelix's inventive social occasion last night and is unlikely to be repeated, provided Lt. Paris is forbidden from partaking in egg-nog for the foreseeable future.  
  
I will be available to discuss the report and its potential ramifications should you wish to do so.  
  
Tuvok  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Tuvok, kappa-3-5-lambda-8 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 09:29  
  
SUBJECT: RE: Security Report  
  
Tuvok,  
  
I think we can postpone the floggings for now and chalk it up to holiday fever. I'm sure everyone you've named in your report is suitably apologetic. Mr Paris certainly is.  
  
By the way, what's this I hear about a cheesecake sculpture? Chakotay won't tell me the full story.  
  
K  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Tuvok, kappa-3-5-lambda-8 DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 09:40  
  
SUBJECT: RE: Security Report  
  
Captain,  
  
I am aware of the item you mentioned but would suggest you continue your attempts to extract further details from the Commander. You may, of course, order me to tell you, but I would prefer that you didn't.  
  
Tuvok  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon CC: Ens. Megan Delaney, sigma-rho-7-1-2 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 10:02  
  
SUBJECT: Bump n' grind  
  
Hey Tom,  
  
So how come we didn't repeat last year's performance? Aren't I good enough for you anymore? (sob)  
  
Aiming a bit high with the Captain, aren't we? ;)  
  
Jenny  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Megan Delaney, sigma-rho-7-1-2 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon CC: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 10:04  
  
SUBJECT: Jenny  
  
Tom,  
  
Don't pay any attention to Jenny, she's just trying to get a rise out of you.  
  
I thought the sculpture was lovely. I'm sure the Captain was flattered.  
  
Meg :)  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon; Ens. Megan Delaney, sigma-rho-7-1-2 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 10:09  
  
SUBJECT: Art imitates life?  
  
Of course I was trying to get a 'rise' out of you (snicker, snicker).  
  
So tell me. just how accurate was that sculpture? Was it an exact scale model? Which begs the question . how did YOU know!?  
  
Jenny  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2; Ens. Megan Delaney, sigma- rho-7-1-2 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 10:14  
  
SUBJECT: Malicia and Demonica  
  
Both of you. Please. Leave. Me. Alone.  
  
I beg you.  
  
Captain Proton  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 10:15  
  
SUBJECT: OK?  
  
How's mess hall duty?  
  
We still on for Episode 12: The Tunnel of Time? I've got the holodeck booked for 1800 hours. Kes is going to play Constance Goodheart.  
  
Your partner in crimebusting, Buster Kincaid  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 10:20  
  
SUBJECT: Tunnel of Time  
  
Sorry Buster. My holodeck privileges were canned, remember? You'll have to save the universe without me.  
  
If you can manage to turn back time 24 hours for real, I'll give you Captain Proton's rocket pack. Forever.  
  
'Crewman' Proton  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 12:28  
  
SUBJECT: Progress report  
  
Captain,  
  
I've scrubbed the mess hall from wall to wall, helped Neelix prepare lunch and scoured seventeen pots. Should I report to Sickbay?  
  
Yours in self-abasement,  
  
Tom  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Med. Asst. Kes, 7-3-omikron-4 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 12:50  
  
SUBJECT: Sickbay duties ATTACHED: roster.doc  
  
Hi Tom,  
  
The Captain asked me to prepare a roster for your sickbay duties for the coming week (see attached). The Doctor wants you to start by cataloguing the cell cultures in storage cabinet B and then recalibrate the bio-bed readout monitors. What did you do last night, anyway!?  
  
See you soon Kes  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 15:12  
  
SUBJECT: Medical emergency  
  
Harry, do me a favour and cut your finger or something, would you? I'm going stir crazy down here. The Doctor's standing over me criticising everything I do. He won't even let me talk to Kes. I've been here for over two hours labelling cell samples. If I don't see a friendly face soon, I'll accidentally switch the Tarkalian flu antibody with the Vidiian phage culture and then there'll be hell to pay, won't there?  
  
Tom  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 15:20  
  
SUBJECT: No can do  
  
Sorry Tom, we just detected a Kazon ship on long range sensors. Red alert, gotta go!  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 15:21  
  
SUBJECT: Red alert!?  
  
Harry, what the hell is going on!?  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Michael Ayala, 2-2-theta-1-nu SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 15:23  
  
SUBJECT: Bridge operations?  
  
Ayala, are you on duty? Who's at the helm? What's happening?  
  
Paris  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Michael Ayala, 2-2-theta-1-nu DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 15:26  
  
SUBJECT: Busy  
  
Yes. Batehart. Kazon attack. Sorry Tom, can't talk right now.  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Pablo Batehart, tau-5-7-omega SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 15:26  
  
SUBJECT: Don't get too comfy, helmboy  
  
You call those evasive maneuvres? ;)  
  
Tom  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 15:27  
  
SUBJECT: Is my presence required?  
  
Commander,  
  
I couldn't help but notice that we seem to be under attack, and much as I respect Ensign Batehart's piloting skills, your best pilot is currently languishing in Sickbay. Naturally, my only concern is with the safety of ship and crew, which is why I'm offering to take over helm duty immediately .?  
  
Tom  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 15:32  
  
SUBJECT: Stay right where you are, Tom  
  
Batehart has it under control. You're needed in Sickbay to assist with incoming patients. As you're concerned only with the safety of ship and crew, I'm sure you'll agree that this is a much more efficient use of your skills.  
  
Chakotay  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Mess Officer Neelix, zeta-zeta-7-1-3 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 17:14  
  
SUBJECT: A sumptuous repast  
  
Hello Tom,  
  
Thanks for your help earlier. If it hadn't been for you, lunch would have been served on dirty plates!  
  
Considering you were the life of the party last night, I was hoping to get your insights on the New Year's Eve party on Thursday. I've planned the food and drink (there'll be plenty of that egg-nog you seemed so fond of) but the décor and entertainment seem to be your forté. Could you drop by the mess hall later so we can come up with a few ideas?  
  
Thanks, Neelix  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Mess Officer Neelix, zeta-zeta-7-1-3 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 17:20  
  
SUBJECT: Egg-nog, party favours and baked brain of Neelix  
  
Neelix,  
  
Very funny. Did Jenny Delaney put you up to that?  
  
Tom  
  
PS. Some people have been spreading some vicious rumours about a certain dessert-based artwork. Should said vicious rumours prove true, and said artwork be viewed by She Who Must Be Obeyed, you can rest assured that the décor at the New Year's Eve party will prominently feature a piece of installation art entitled "Talaxian, Disembowelled".  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 18:25  
  
SUBJECT: Enough. please!  
  
Everytime somebody enters Sickbay the Doctor starts singing an obscene version of "I Love Paris". I know you re-programmed him. What I really want to know is, who rewrote the lyrics?  
  
Don't you think this is all a bit childish?  
  
Tom  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 18:29  
  
SUBJECT: Not guilty!  
  
Much as I'd love to claim credit, it wasn't me, Tom. However you can rest assured I will uncover the identity of the culprit. And see that he or she is rewarded accordingly!  
  
As for childish . well, I guess you'd know :)  
  
B'Elanna  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 18:44  
  
SUBJECT: %#@*!!!!  
  
B'Elanna,  
  
Since 1500 hours I have treated minor lacerations, non-existent headaches and imaginary upset stomachs for the entire Engineering crew. It's nice that you're giving them so much free time, but do you think you could keep them out of Sickbay for the rest of the evening? The Doctor is enjoying his new role as the Singing Hologram about as much as I am.  
  
I'd hate to have to report this to Commander Chakotay.  
  
Paris  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Chief Medical Officer, 1-1-kappa-theta-1 DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 18:48  
  
SUBJECT: Alterations to my program  
  
Commander,  
  
I would like to report an act of sabotage.  
  
An unauthorised alteration has recently been made to my program, with the result that each time the Sickbay doors open I find myself serenading Lt. Paris with a, shall we say, titillating version of the twentieth-century song "I Love Paris". Much hilarity, naturally, ensues for all concerned except for myself and Mr Paris.  
  
I can inform you that said alteration occurred sometime between my last deactivation at 16:22 and my subsequent reactivation at 17:30. I have been unable to determine the identity of the saboteur. However I have the utmost confidence in your ability to track down the offender and see that he or she is suitably chastised.  
  
The Doctor  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 DISTRIBUTION: group:all SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 19:03  
  
SUBJECT: Misuse of ship's resources  
  
It has come to my attention that the Doctor's program has recently been altered, by person or persons unknown, apparently for the purpose of increasing Mr Paris' misery.  
  
You should all be aware that the penalty for interfering with the ship's systems is the confiscation of off-duty privileges for a period to be determined by the ship's First Officer. Furthermore, although the Doctor's ability to perform his medical functions has not been compromised, the inconvenience caused should be taken into consideration.  
  
If the program alterations are reversed immediately, I see no reason to investigate further. However, if the Doctor is not restored to his former condition by 2000 hours, I will have no choice but to conduct an investigation, which could lead to severely curtailed privileges for those involved.  
  
Commander Chakotay  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 19:25  
  
SUBJECT: Dinner?  
  
Are we still on?  
  
C  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 19:28  
  
SUBJECT: RE: Dinner?  
  
Only if you tell me who reprogrammed the Doctor.  
  
Be in my quarters at 2100 hours sharp, bearing a nice bottle of red and a good story to tell.  
  
K :)  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6; Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4- 1-rho SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 19:29  
  
SUBJECT: Time's running out  
  
You two have half an hour to undo your creative programming. Or, on the off- chance that you aren't the culprits, find them fast. I think poor Tom's suffered enough for one day.  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 19:32  
  
SUBJECT: Leave me out of it next time!  
  
B'Elanna, for God's sake, are you trying to give me heart failure? Now Chakotay thinks this is my fault, and Tom's going to kill me.  
  
Harry, tearing his hair out  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4- 1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 19:35  
  
SUBJECT: Maligned at every turn!  
  
First Tom thinks I did it, then Chakotay, and now you - I swear by the blood of Kahless that I'm innocent! None of my staff did it either, though they've been happy enough to skive off to Sickbay on the flimsiest excuse. Even Jenny Delaney swears she didn't do it, and I believe her. I scared her enough.  
  
Sorry Harry, I'm stumped, and I don't have time to try to fix it myself. You'll have to do it.  
  
B  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 19:41  
  
SUBJECT: Someone's going to pay  
  
I can't fix it. Tuvok has his gimlet eye on me. I can't leave my post, and I can't fix it from here. Guess you and I will be dining in the mess hall tonight.  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Tuvok, kappa-3-5-lambda-8 DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 19:59  
  
SUBJECT: Status of the Emergency Medical Holographic Program  
  
Captain,  
  
I assumed you would want to know that the Doctor's program has been repaired. The perpetrator apparently chose to repair the altered files in preference to initiating a ship-wide investigation into this act of sabotage. On Commander Chakotay's authorisation, the matter shall be taken no further.  
  
For future reference, I would suggest that the next time you feel the need to play a practical joke, you ensure that your security code is adequately hidden. I confess it did require considerable effort on my part; however, I was eventually able to identify you as the guilty party.  
  
Tuvok  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Tuvok, kappa-3-5-lambda-8 SENT: Saturday 26 December, 2372 TIME: 20:04  
  
SUBJECT: Congratulations  
  
Tuvok,  
  
Once again you exceed my expectations. I was sure it would take you at least three hours to find my security code.  
  
It's good to know that nothing much gets by my Chief Tactical Officer.  
  
Thanks for keeping my guilty little secret.  
  
K :)  
  
Part 2  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 19:32  
  
SUBJECT: Reprieve  
  
Lt. Paris,  
  
I've decided to let you attend the festivities tonight. You can thank Commander Chakotay; he told me it wouldn't be a party without you.  
  
See you at eight.  
  
Janeway  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 19:45  
  
SUBJECT: Oh, great  
  
I thought I was going to get out of it, but the Captain just practically ordered me to come to the party. Harry, if you really are my friend, you won't let me anywhere near the egg-nog. Promise?  
  
Tom  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 19:48  
  
SUBJECT: *sigh*  
  
Tom, as if anyone could drag you away from that stuff. I tried, remember?  
  
I'll come by your quarters on the way. See you in a few minutes.  
  
H  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 19:56  
  
SUBJECT: Best behaviour  
  
Jenny,  
  
This is serious, now. No spiking Tom's drink. No daring him to streak through the mess hall. No dirty dancing. No matter how tempting it may seem.  
  
Harry  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2 DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 19:58  
  
SUBJECT: Temptation  
  
Does this mean Tom's coming tonight after all? Fantastic!  
  
Okay Harry, I'll be good. Considering that piece of information just won me a week's replicator rations on the betting pool, I can afford to be generous. See you tonight.  
  
Jenny  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Mess Officer Neelix, zeta-zeta-7-1-3 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 20:22  
  
SUBJECT: Serving wench  
  
Neelix, don't you think you should be keeping an eye on Jenny Delaney? I believe that's the Captain's second helping of egg-nog. Maybe you could let Megan take over at the punchbowl for awhile?  
  
H  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Mess Officer Neelix, zeta-zeta-7-1-3 DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 20:25  
  
SUBJECT: Yikes!  
  
Oops! She said she was Megan! I never could tell those two apart. Consider her barred - we don't want any repeats of last week's shenanigans, do we!  
  
Neelix  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 20:35  
  
SUBJECT: So much for best behaviour  
  
Jenny, that's the third time you've refilled the Captain's glass! I thought Neelix was going to let Megan take over from you?  
  
Harry  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2 DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 20:41  
  
SUBJECT: Egged on  
  
Harry, you told me I wasn't allowed to play any tricks on Tom. You never said anything about anyone else!  
  
Besides, it's awfully staid in here. Wouldn't you like to see this party loosened up a little?  
  
Jenny :)  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 20:55  
  
SUBJECT: Behave yourself  
  
Kathryn, did I just see you lining up for your fourth refill of egg-nog?  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 21:02  
  
SUBJECT: Behave yourself yourself  
  
This nig-nog is good. Leave me be. Even captains need to have fun. Spoilsport.  
  
K  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 21:10  
  
SUBJECT: Assignment  
  
Tom,  
  
As you're on your best behaviour this evening, perhaps you could keep an eye on the Captain? Try reminding her of the effects of Neelix's egg-nog on the human equilibrium. I'm sure your insights will be very informative, from a medical perspective, of course.  
  
Chakotay  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 21:14  
  
SUBJECT: Babysitting duties  
  
Chakotay's just ordered me to keep the Captain away from the egg-nog. Could you hide it or something? And tell Jenny that if she doesn't stop refilling the Captain's glass I'll spank her.  
  
Tom  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 21:26  
  
SUBJECT: ???  
  
Did I, or did I not, just see the Captain come out of the kitchen with a new bottle of egg-nog? Aren't you supposed to be keeping an eye on her?  
  
And don't mention Jenny Delaney and spanking in the same sentence, it's more than a gentleman's heart can stand. :)  
  
Harry Kim, defender of maidens' honour, scourge of intergalactic evil  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 21:40  
  
SUBJECT: Neglecting your duties?  
  
Tom, the Captain appears to be becoming quite intoxicated. Didn't I ask you to keep her away from the alcohol?  
  
C  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 21:51  
  
SUBJECT: Yes sir!  
  
Commander, I'm trying, but every time I turn around she's sneaking into the kitchen for another bottle! And Ensign Delaney isn't helping. Shall I escort the Captain to her quarters?  
  
Tom  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 21:53  
  
SUBJECT: Escort service  
  
Good idea, Tom. I'll make her excuses. Call the Doctor if you need assistance. And make sure there's a detoxifying hypospray available for when she wakes up.  
  
And by the way, you've shown remarkable restraint this evening. Congratulations, and thanks for being such a good sport this past week. Hope your duties haven't put too much of a dampener on your night.  
  
Chakotay  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 21:58  
  
SUBJECT: Happy new year  
  
I've got to take the Captain back to her quarters before she starts dancing on tables. Wish me luck!  
  
Tom  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 22:02  
  
SUBJECT: Luck!  
  
And don't forget she's hidden a bottle under her jacket. I'll expect a full report in the morning, so don't go sharing that bottle with her, you dirty dog! ;)  
  
Harry  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 22:06  
  
SUBJECT: Dogged  
  
Harry, you're not the only one who doesn't want to lose his rank! But could you do me a favour and stop by Sickbay for a detox hypo? I've got a feeling the Captain will be needing more than coffee in the morning.  
  
Thanks Tom  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 22:25  
  
SUBJECT: Party favours?!  
  
Harry, red alert . unless I've had more of that damn egg-nog than I thought, I could swear I just saw the Captain leading Tom into Jeffries tube 15 alpha .?  
  
B'Elanna  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 22:27  
  
SUBJECT: Oh no!  
  
Leave it with me.  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 22:38  
  
SUBJECT: This is your conscience calling!  
  
Tom, what the hell are you doing? The computer says you're in the Jeffries tube with the Captain. Do you need any help?  
  
Buster  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 22:45  
  
SUBJECT: It's under control  
  
We're just talking, Harry. The Captain's promised not to drink any more. You can tell Chakotay that I'll have her in bed by midnight.  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 22:48  
  
SUBJECT: That's what I'm worried about!  
  
Tom .  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 22:52  
  
SUBJECT: Butt out, Ensign  
  
Mr Paris and I are having a disk - dish - discussion about the command structure on this ship. I was just telling Mr Paris that I like being on top. I mean, I like having him under me. I mean - never mind. Harry new year, Happy.  
  
Kat  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 22:58  
  
SUBJECT: Oh God  
  
You and I will both be assigned to degaussing the hull with a nailbrush if you don't get the Captain safely to her quarters before Chakotay comes looking for you!  
  
Harry  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 23:06  
  
SUBJECT: On way  
  
I'm taking the Captain to bed. I mean . you know what I mean. I haven't had any egg-nog. I swear. We were just talking. She's really very good. I mean, she's good at talking. Um, gotta go.  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Susan Nicoletti, alpha-6-7-6-beta DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 23:09  
  
SUBJECT: Transported?  
  
Chief,  
  
I've just detected an unauthorised transport from Jeffries tube 15 alpha to the Captain's quarters. Two life forms. Should I investigate?  
  
Sue  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Susan Nicoletti, alpha-6-7-6-beta SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 23:12  
  
SUBJECT: Tools down, Lieutenant  
  
Ignore it, Sue, it's authorised. Why don't you come and join the party? Leave Vorik in charge of Engineering. Damn Vulcan would make any excuse to avoid a party anyway.  
  
Torres  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Vorik, sigma-4-lambda-4-9 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 23:28  
  
SUBJECT: For your information  
  
Lieutenant, I am receiving reports of strange noises from one of the crew quarters on Deck 3. I am proceeding to that location to investigate. I will keep you informed.  
  
Vorik  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Vorik, sigma-4-lambda-4-9 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 23:32  
  
SUBJECT: Permission denied!  
  
Vorik, do not leave Engineering. Do not send a team to that location. Remain where you are. I will take care of the situation.  
  
Torres  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 23:34  
  
SUBJECT: Now what, hotshot!?  
  
What the hell is Paris up to? First he transports himself and the Captain to her cabin, and now someone's reported "strange noises". I've had to divert two Engineering teams already. What do we do? Should we tell Chakotay?  
  
B'Elanna  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 23:37  
  
SUBJECT: I'm going to kill him  
  
Don't do anything. For God's sake don't tell Chakotay. Let me figure something out. Can you keep Chakotay distracted?  
  
H  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 23:38  
  
SUBJECT: With pleasure  
  
Of course I can keep Chakotay distracted. For as long as I need to ;)  
  
B  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 23:38  
  
SUBJECT: Egg on your face?  
  
Might I suggest that you take it easy on that egg-nog as well, 'Lanna?  
  
Harry  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 23:42  
  
SUBJECT: Status report?  
  
Tom, what the hell is going on! You're not doing anything you'll regret . are you?  
  
Harry  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 23:55  
  
SUBJECT: Whoa .  
  
Kat's in the other room. Oh my God. Regret? No way, no WAY! She's coming back . gotta go.  
  
Tom  
  
PS This is the best New Year's Eve I've ever had. Ever, ever, EVER!!!  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 SENT: Thursday 31 December, 2372 TIME: 23:58  
  
SUBJECT: Screwed ATTACHED: whoa.txt  
  
I don't believe it. He did it. THEY did it.They're STILL doing it. Oh God. This is so wrong!  
  
B'Elanna, would you get your tongue out of the Commander's mouth and pay attention for a second?  
  
H Part 3  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Jenny Delaney, psi-1-5-psi-2 DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Friday 1 January, 2373 TIME: 07:02  
  
SUBJECT: Is it true!?  
  
Word on the lower decks is the Captain got frisky last night with none other than everyone's favourite pilot. Seeing as you're his best friend, I figured you'd know. So come on, Harry, spill it!  
  
Jenny  
  
PS. Last night was incredible. You weren't kidding about those musician's hands of yours . ;)  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho DISTRIBUTION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 SENT: Friday 1 January, 2373 TIME: 07:25  
  
SUBJECT: Faster than warp speed  
  
Seems the lower decks are already gossiping about Tom and the Captain. Both of them turned up late for Alpha Shift and headed for the ready room at the earliest possble moment. The Captain put a level 10 lockout on the ready room and sent Tuvok a message saying she wasn't to be disturbed for anything less than a red alert. I thought his eyebrows would go into orbit!  
  
By the way, how's Commander Chakotay? Funny, he had a very distinctive bite mark on his face on the bridge this morning. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you? ;)  
  
Harry  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. B'Elanna Torres, 1-3-sigma-4-6 DISTRIBUTION: Ens. Harry Kim, sigma-7-4-1-rho SENT: Friday 1 January, 2373 TIME: 07:44  
  
SUBJECT: Look who's talking!  
  
I saw you and Jenny Delaney locked at the lips in the stores cabinet. Don't try to deny it, Harry!  
  
But, since you asked, Commander Chakotay is very, very good indeed .  
  
B  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Mess Officer Neelix, zeta-zeta-7-1-3 DISTRIBUTION: Med. Asst. Kes, 7-3-omikron-4 SENT: Friday 1 January, 2373 TIME: 09:54  
  
SUBJECT: Success!  
  
Sweeting,  
  
I don't think there could be any doubt that last night's party was my crowning triumph. Commander Chakotay has already asked me for my recipe for Klingon blood wine, and when I was checking the stores this morning I noticed that the entire stock of egg-nog has been drained dry.  
  
By the way, there's something I've been wanting to give you. Mr Paris' cheesecake sculpture seemed to attract so many admirers last week that I thought I'd try my hand at it myself. I completely forgot about it in all the excitement last night, but if you'd join me in my quarters tonight, perhaps we could share my own little artistic masterpiece? It's a dead ringer for you, if I do say so myself.  
  
Oh, and I managed to put aside a bottle of egg-nog for a special occasion, and I'd say this qualifies. See you at 1900 hours?  
  
Love, Neelix  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 SENT: Friday 1 January, 2373 TIME: 10:04  
  
SUBJECT: Bridge operations  
  
Er, Captain, I'm aware it's your privilege to spend the entire shift in your ready room if you so please, but you have been in there for several hours now, and Ensign Batehart will have to pull a double duty shift if you want him to keep covering the helm for Lt. Paris.  
  
I don't suppose you'd like to send him out when you're finished with him?  
  
Chakotay  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 DISTRIBUTION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 SENT: Friday 1 January, 2373 TIME: 10:15  
  
SUBJECT: Duty shifts  
  
Mr Paris and I have been going over shuttle schematics, Commander. However, since he's needed on the bridge, I'll send him out in a few moments.  
  
I'd like to point out that Mr Paris' performance over the past twenty-four hours has been, shall we say, exemplary. I don't think there's any need for his previous reprimand to remain on his record.  
  
Kathryn  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Cmdr. Chakotay, 9-1-beta-4-7 DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 SENT: Friday 1 January, 2373 TIME: 10:18  
  
SUBJECT: Schematics, hmm?  
  
Mr Paris must be designing an award-winning shuttle, judging by the cries of delight we've all heard emanating from your ready room for the past four hours. Don't worry, Kathryn, your secret's safe with me. And the rest of the bridge crew.  
  
C ;)  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 DISTRIBUTION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon SENT: Friday 1 January, 2373 TIME: 15:25  
  
SUBJECT: Improper conduct ATTACHED: reprimand.txt  
  
Tom,  
  
Please see my message to you dated Saturday 26 December, 2372 (attached).  
  
I'm still waiting for an explanation on that cheesecake sculpture. Were you measuring me for another one last night? It's the only explanation I can find. Perhaps I should charge you with seducing your commanding officer and throw you in the brig.  
  
On the other hand, your transgressions could be overlooked, if you were willing to repeat them...  
  
K :)  
  
_____________________________________________________________ AUTHORISATION: Lt. Thomas Paris, 8-gamma-7-9-epsilon DISTRIBUTION: Capt. Kathryn Janeway, 1-6-alpha-3-4-3 SENT: Friday 1 January, 2373 TIME: 15:32  
  
SUBJECT: RE: Improper conduct  
  
Kat,  
  
Much as I appreciate your high spirits and enthusiasm in boosting my . er, morale, I think even you will agree that our behaviour at last night's New Year's party in the mess hall was indescribable. Luring me to your quarters and having your wicked way with me was not only an incredibly wanton act but could, if not frequently repeated, lead to a minor medical emergency. I would be happy to converse with the Doctor at length on this issue.  
  
Your saucy glances across the bridge this morning were also neither necessary nor in good taste.  
  
I'm sure my replicator and holodeck privileges are hereby confiscated for a period of one week (again). You, however, will report to my quarters at 2200 hours tonight so that I may lick every square millimetre of your (sculptable) body. Any future transgressions will earn you double shifts in my bed and could possibly result in removing your frown - and clothing - from active duty forever. Consider yourself warned.  
  
T Paris, aroused  
  
PS. Who needs cheesecake, anyway? :)  
  
x 


End file.
